Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Dead People's Clothes ( DPCs)

I happen to be a big fan of OPKs ( Other People's Kids) because they are always much better behaved than my own and if I happen to be in charge of these little monsters, all I have to do is glare at them or look at them sideways and they crumble in a heap of tears and then I have them forever under my control. I also happen to be a huge fan of OPFs ( Other People's Food). This, by far, is my favorite because I don't have to pay anything, I can eat as much as I want and then I can leave. What more could you ask? Oh, and there is OPSs ( Other People's Salads). Why are OPSs so much better than mine? This baffles me but since it also falls under the the OPF category, I am easily unbaffled and happily gorging myself on the OPSs so I stop complaining. Well, I have to say that I am not a fan of DPCs ( Dead People's Clothes). This unnatural phenomenon occurs when a most natural phenomenon occurs; death in the nursing home. It's best to prepare yourself now because death in the nursing home occurs practically on a daily basis and the DPCs issue is a problem.

My oldest sister is about to come home from Booneyville USA (Blakey, GA) for a one week visit. She is a true Southern Bell; charm, beauty ( head turning, in fact), a soft Southern accent, and she is a knock out dresser (remember the latter description for later purposes ). She called me all excited with herself because she is actually only bringing 1 carry-on piece of luggage instead of her usual 20 pieces of luggage for her usual 4 day stay. This is truly amazing because she is actually staying 7 whole days and I am curiously wondering how she will manage wearing the same outfit for 7 days. She goes on to tell me that she had told Dad this same thing and he tells her, "Oh, Deb, don't worry about clothes! There has been another death at the Barclay (that's the nursing home we call it the Barclay for some stupid reason when the actual title is Barclay Friend's and you also have to say it with a slight Thurston Howell III/Main Line accent too. I don't know why either, it's just what we do as a family full of accents) and the family of the deceased has given your mother all of the clothes so you won't have to worry about needing anything!" I nearly wet my pants I'm laughing so hard while I am trying to form a sentence and trying to picture my classy-dressing-sister wearing an 80 year old DEAD WOMEN'S MOOMOO. ( I have recently been reintroduced to the wonderful word MooMoo by my brother who used it as a description of a dress my sister was wearing that he obviously didn't like). Definition of a MooMoo; a large, usually bad floral, long billowy dress that is slightly nicer than a house dress. Now you are remembering what they are, aren't you? I told you that my Dad is a bad dresser. He has no concept whatsoever. I am a full believer that the good Lord above created woman for man in order to dress him! What is Dad thinking????? Now we have to sort through DPCs again before any of them go into my mother's closet and on her body!

Now, don't get me wrong, I am as frugal as can be. Okay, I'm cheap, I'll admit it and I'm proud of it but I draw the line at DPCs. There is something extremely creepy about the entire thing and I really don't think they are given to us out of the goodness of the remaining family member's heart. I really think that they are creeped-out as well and they are trying desperately to purge themselves of this haunting outer skin of their beloved mother, grandmother or sister, etc..... Eeeeewww is all I have to say. I am trying to come up with a one-liner response to thwart any future dreaded DPC drop-offs, but I have yet to come up with anything.


  1. This one really made me laugh! :)

  2. Marfie, this is outrageous. I'm with Trevor. Who is he, anyway? Does he wear DPCs?